It was last Sunday that the quiet called. For weeks now background anxiety has registered as an anxious stomach and pressure in my head. My edgy nervous system was like a stack of pancakes, each layer with a different reason to be unsettled. Mostly, though, the stack was the way a changing era was playing out in close.
I welcomed quiet undisturbed space and followed the urge to name what is ending. I found a pad of blank index cards, and slowly, one per card, wrote down what is ending in my life. One thing led to another: the loss of a friend, attachment to land I have tended for years, images of an ageless self, community dynamics I have counted on….some were outer circumstances and others were habits of the heart and fundamental ways I have identified myself. I ended up with 21 cards.
I built a fire in the circle of stones that sits in the cedars, on the edge of a meadow, on my property. It is where I have sat with people on chilly evenings this past winter, masked, proper distances apart, warmed by the flames. Sitting on a stump I slowly went through the cards, passing my fingers over each one as a way of cherishing my life… being with the feelings that rose and fell, honoring the passage of time and a world that is changing very quickly. I placed each card in the embers. Then peace.
Silence.
Pangs of blessed longing.
A soft space open
that I will neither betray,
nor hurry to fill.
Stars are bright overhead.
With abiding love,
Barbara (and Peri)